How to create 'the best character ever'
by ShayNanigans
Summary: A parody on creating "the best character ever!" By Scarlet Magpie. Now you too and write just like Smeyer!


**A/N: This is a Parody. Don't say I didn't tell you…because I just did…this me telling you that this is a parody. **

_Scarlet Magpie was bored out of her mind. Sketch hasn't sent chapter 8 for our 'The Beauty of Ice' fan fiction. So she decided to teach young teenaged 14 year olds who have some kind of sexual problem (probably cause they don't have a boyfriend.) to create THE BEST CHARACTER IN LIKE THE WORLD!! With a small fee of $19.95 (shipping and handling not included), you too can write just like Stephanie Meyer and have the best selling novel about Pedophile Vampires ever!!_

_All the good writers say, 'write what you know.' Well…why not write about YOU!! After all, who knows you better then yourself! _

_With this simple to follow steps, you to can make the best character that make other writers envy on your AMAZING skills._

_So………LET'S BEGIN!!_

**Gender: **The first thing to do is chose a gender for your character. I'm female…so it shall be female too! Because let's face it…this is you! And how are you…err…I mean your character gonna fall in love with the hottest guy (that you have your sex fantasy with) in your anime/game/book!

**Name: **Let's chose a name for your character. But a first, middle and last name are too hard to pick…I mean there are so many good names out there. How do you choose what names to pick? Simple! Give them more then three names! Make sure you give them a Japanese sounding name, even if your character isn't Asian! And remember; spell the name differently so it looks so much cooler! And while you're at it, put in a gothic/emo dark sounding name so your character is even cooler! Hell put in your own name as well! And use words like gemstones, flowers, animals, colors, random Japanese word and numbers in their name. Also use unnecessary capitals and hyphens and commas too! Perhaps I shall name her…

Ryvan Sapphire Kawaii Sakura Dragoon Scarlet Magpie Miyuki Moon-Rose D'ark-Feather Bella-Sawn Silva-Fantasy Seven Mid'NyGht Sun!

**Eyes: **All the normal eye colors are boring…so why not make it a different unusual color! But just one color is too boring so why not let her eyes change color! And at will too! Don't forget that they shine brighter then the moon and they can shoot lasers out of them! Oh, and you should give a minimum of one chapter to describe how beautiful they are! The maximum? Hell you can make the whole story about their eyes. The reviewers will give you praise on how well you describe them!

**Body: **Fat chicks are so gross. So gross that nobody would do them. Even plump chicks are too ugly. So make your character skinny as though she were anorexic! Give her beautiful curves so that all the other girls in the story stare at her with envy! Also give her enormous boobs! Natural of course! Make her skin like silk. You should also describe her body with a one chapter minimum. Also give her a cool scar/birthmark with magical powers and don't worry, it doesn't distract the characters from her natural beauty. Make sure she weights less then zero! So make her weight a negative number and make sure she's like over 6 feet tall!

**Face: ** Her face should be flawless! No pimples, no zits or warts! The only exception should be a small and very cute beauty mark! And don't call it a mole cause moles sounds so gross! And her face also sparkles! Naturally too of course!! Make sure her eyes, nose and lips are in the perfect places! And once again, describe her beauty in one chapter minimum.

**Hair: **Your characters hair should long and luscious! The longer it is, the hotter she is! It should shine that it could bring light through the thickest darkness. Make it an unnatural color too. Maybe a color that suits her name. And give them natural streaks! And don't give one word to describe the color like black…That's too boring and it doesn't describe her true beauty! Make sure you use a simile to describe its beauty too. Instead of black, use _'Her hair was raven black like a clear night sky with silver streaks like the moon!' _Also make at least one chapter about her hair.

**Story: **Now to choose the story that your character should be in. Sure you could make up your own story, but that takes too much effort and time! So take one from a popular game/book/anime that you like. Since I love One Piece, my Sue…I mean…Best character ever will be in One Piece.

**Species/Race: **There are so many humans that it's cliché. So why not make your character a bunch of other races, even thought the race doesn't exist in the story. And since math is so stupid, it shouldn't apply to your character; hell logic doesn't apply to your character! I mean, your character is _soooooo~ totally awesome_ anyways that the rules of logic don't apply to them. And remember, no matter how many halves she has, she'll always look human or you can just add angel wings or Cat/Fox/Wolf ears and/or tail. So my character will be:

Half angel, half demon, half dragon, half neko, half werewolf, half candy, half coffee mix, half elf, half Meyerpire _*pukes*_, half monkey, half fox, half phoenix, half fairy, half mermaid and half human!! Oh did I mention she also half [Insert race here]!!

**Age: **You must randomly choose and age between 13 – 21 and DON'T even think about choose 22 or 23 cause that's so old! _Seriously guys_, like 23 look so gross and old that I'm surprised anyone falls in love with them. Of course that's only how they look. Your character can be as old as time itself. Maybe they're like the Goddess/God of Time and Space and EVERYTHING but they can't remember.

**Clothes: **Your characters clothes have to be unique, cute, cool and leik totallie Goffik to your liking. They're never out of style and are indestructible! They never get dirty and they sparkle!! They can be as slutty and reviling as you want and nobody would call them a whore because they look so good in them! And if someone calls them a whore, they're just jealous of your characters fashion sense and…well…everything about your character!

**Powers: **Everyone knows that having super powers are awesome! And characters with super powers are so much cooler! So give your character multiple powers! Make sure they're above God-Like status! I mean… you ARE God-like after all and you character is like you! And remember to make powers that are so utterly chaotic that it makes God and Satan shiver in fear!! And the best ability is Dimension Travel! That way your character can travel to different stories such as Pokemon, Inuyasha, Kingdom Hearts, Harry Potter, Twilight etc. and this way, your character can be loved even more!!

**Devil Fruit Powers: **Since my character is in One Piece, she HAS to have a devil fruit power…well this would apply even if your character was in One Piece. First of all, why choose just one devil fruit!! I mean your character is amazing all ready so it's only reasonable to have multiple devil Fruits! Plus, Logic doesn't apply to your character. So give her like all the devil fruits in the world! Even the ones that have all ready been eaten and make some Bulls…er…I mean logical reason like _'My character turns into a artic wolf and Jyabura turns into a grey wolf so F*** Off!!' _ Make sure they eat fruits that don't make any sense like the…um…the Machine Machine Fruit Model:Wings…I guess… And they MUST ABSOLUTELY eat the Kami Kami Fruit (God God fruit) Oni Oni Fruit (Demon Demon Fruit) and the Tenshi Tenshi Fruit (Angel Angel Fruit.) If your character doesn't have these fruits, then you character is sooooooo~ Lame and should be burning in Hell right now!! And even after eating the devil fruits, your character should STILL be an excellent swimmer!

**Past: **The best character HAVE to have the most depressing pasts. They're parents died in front of her eyes when she was young and she cries them selves to sleep every night because they remember that tragic moment. Their foster parents should always abuse them every night. Physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually. They should also be neglected too. Eventually, they would be force to run away. Also leave out how their life was when running away i.e. how they earned money, how they got food and shelter. Nobody wants to read that! That's just filler!! Your not here to bored your readers and fill their heads with answers!! How DARE you try to explain to me how you got a $500 I-Pod or a $3000 Mac while they were running away!! You should be ashamed of your selves!! It's unthinkable!! It's…it's…*screams*!! Anyways…your character should ALWAYS think that everything wrong in their life is their fault until their love interest convinces them that it wasn't their fault. Oh and when I mean convince, I mean that they have sex. And later on, they should find out that they're real parents are rich and powerful and from Royalty. And while you're at it, throw in parts from your life but make them more emo…err…I mean depressing.

**Skills: ** Your character should know how to use all sorts of weapons and marital arts! They should be able to know how to use Light-saber katana, katana, guns, bazooka, every spell known and unknown to man, lasers, flamethrowers, flails, maces, crossbows, sugar, jolly ranchers, Tic-Tacs, Me, Flamers, Hiraikotsu and pretty much anything. They should know every single marital art known and unknown to man. And they should be able to learn all these things in a day!! But of course if they're love interest is there, then they should be helpless and should be rescued by them. They should also be able to speak every single language known and unknown to man and they also should be able to learn it by one day.

**Personality: **Your character should be a complete ANGEL that everyone will adore! Everyone will love them even if they rape, murder, steal and insult people! After all, nobody can REALLY hate them! Even if they're total bitches *cough Bella cough*! And everyone wants to have sex with them! But only sexy, beautiful, handsome and cute guys can. But of course they only love your…I mean…their love interest and they eventually get married and have twins, a boy and a girl and then have 20,000 other kids after them and live happily ever after until…um…never since your character is probably immortal! Oh did I mention that everyone falls in love with them the moment they gaze eyes on them? Cause they do!!

**Writing style: **When you write, your character's beauty should be notified in every sentence. And they're true love should always be with them and you should ALWAYS state how strong their love is and how much they love each other. Like so:

'_Ryvan's beautiful sapphire blue eyes stared into Sanji's. (__**A/n: I don't think Sanji is hot but he's the most common vic…I mean...love interest in these fics.)**__ Her raven black hair bounced and flowed gracefully as he tossed her on the crisp white sheets. _

"_Sanji…," she said gently in a cool, crisp tone. Sanji smiled as he kissed her with passion as he slowly began to take off her cloths as she did the same. Then…'_

Wrong, wrong, wrong…oh did I mention…**WRONG!!**

How dare you even think of this…monstrosity!! You think you can walk in here and use…Proper grammar and correct spelling!! And did you use spell check!? I bet you did!! You disgust me!! D:

You HAVE to misspell EVRY WORD YOU CAN AS INCORRECTLY AS POSSIBLE!! And don't use proper grammar!! And were you about to write the sex scene!!? With…dare I say it…IN GREAT DETAIL!! Get out right now!! You don't want to disgust your readers!! You have to write EVERY sex scene as it were written by a 12-year old. Here's what you SHOULD write:

'Ryvans beutifl blo eyz strd in2 Sanjis. Her ryvan blck har boncd ad fowd gacfuly as he tosd her on da crsp whte shetz. "Sanji she sad" gntle in a col crsp tne. Sanji smild as he kisd her wth pason as he sowy bgan 2 tke of her clthz as she did da sme. Dhen… he put his thnge in 2 herz ad im kot gona wrte mre dhan dat!!'

Yes!! That's how the whole thing should be written!!

And if people call your character a 'Mary-Sue.' It's really a compliment!! It means you created such a perfect character that nobody could think of a better character in the history of writing!!

Now…Send my payment of $19.95! You didn't think this was free did you? I'm not writing this for kicks you know…now send my money. I'm serious!! Send it or I'll eat YOUR FIRST BORN CHILD!!! :O


End file.
